I Almost Do
by ChocolateBeth
Summary: A series of emails that Kurt almost sent to Blaine, telling him how he really feels. Inspired by I Almost Do by Taylor Swift.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N - This is something that popped into my head as I was sobbing over all of my Klaine feels, and so I had to get it out. It's purely my interpretation of what happened (and as I've not even seen any of season 4 (grr), I've had to go off what I've heard).**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Glee, it would be called either Blee, or The Klaine Show.**

**Enjoy :)**

* * *

Blaine,

I know you think I hate you. A part of me does, you know. But that part is the selfish bit of me that you managed to shrink into almost non-existence – just by being my friend. I can't lie and tell you that I'm not hurt and angry, but I don't really blame you. After all, I wasn't exactly being a good boyfriend – and it's not like I never had any wobbles (aka Chandler), but what you did…I want with all my heart to just forgive you and forget about it, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. So…I'm trying, Blaine, I really am, and it might take me a while, but one day we'll fix this, we have to. We're Kurt and Blaine. No, we're KurtandBlaine. It's one word; we're one thing, one heart.

For these past few days, all I've wanted to do is call you, or text you, or jump on a plane and see you and hug you and tell you that I love you and that everything will be okay again soon. But something stops me. And I don't know what it is, whether it's the rational part of me, or the selfish part that still holds resentment for you, but I can't seem to do any of those things, no matter how much I want to. So I wrote this instead of calling you, or texting you, or professing my love to you.

It did cross my mind that you might think that I moved on – or plan to – but that is _not_ the case. At all. I love you with all my heart, Blaine, and that will never change – like, ever (I hope that little T-Swizzle reference made you smile) – but the truth is, now that all of this happened, I am a little scared. I'm sure you can understand what it's like, not being sure whether or not you can trust someone. And that feeling is a thousand times worse when it's somebody you care deeply about.

So what I think I'm trying to say, is the reason that I can't quite move on from this is that I don't think I could say hello to you and risk another goodbye, because, to be quite honest, that would kill me. And I bet that never, ever occurred to you. Did you ever think that I might be scared of falling in love with you all over again, only to have it ripped apart?

I wish I could go back and do and say all the things I should have but didn't. And I wish I could undo everything that hurt you, because that hurts me even more. And I can see the pain in your eyes, even though you're a million miles away, I can see it, and just the thought of that kills me. So I guess I'm also scared that if I saw you I'd crumble and lose the wall I've started to build up around myself to stop myself from falling apart. At the moment it feels like my defences are made of porcelain, so perhaps after all these years, Sue Sylvester was right. Now that was a sentence I never thought I'd say! Not that I ever thought I'd even be writing this email…

Blaine Devon Anderson, just…hang in there, and I promise one day you'll have a real Elizabeth Taylor ring to put on my finger, and I swear I will never, ever take it off. Like, ever ;)

All my love,

Kurt

_Message deleted at 03:05 on 10/8/12_


	2. Chapter 2

Blaine,

I'm so confused right now. All I want to do is hold you tight, but then I keep thinking about you being 'with' someone else, and it takes all I have not to break down. In fact, sometimes that's not enough, and I do and it's the worst pain imaginable. It's like losing my mom all over again.

But one feeling I'm sure of is that I am such a coward for not sending the email I wrote last night. Well…this morning, actually. But that's not the point. I'm not sure I can even send this one to you, mainly because I'm scared of what you'll think of me. However, depending on how this turns out, I might sum up the courage to hit send this time. COURAGE. That's what you'd say to me right now. And if everything weren't so screwed up, you'd be telling me in person, not just the Blaine in my head. Oh yes, Kurt, that's right, just admit to your boyfriend – _ex_-boyfriend – that you have a version of him in your head. Oh Gaga, I'm turning into Bella Swan! To which you'd chuckle, say, "Silly Kurt," and kiss me quickly, and then, if we were alone, we'd kiss again, but not so quickly, and I'd just melt and feel all fizzy and fuzzy and perfect.

Damn. Now I'm crying again. I am _definitely _not sending this one either. But it's nice to pretend like I'm talking to you. I suppose I could treat this like a diary sort of thing, and tell you everything that's happening in my life, just like when you were at Dalton. Except there'd be no meeting up for coffee in the Lima Bean or standing up to bullies in the *ahem* charming hallways of McKinley. I'd do anything to go back to those days. Well, the days when I was at Dalton too, and I got to spend every moment with you. And the Warblers – I never thought I'd miss them so much! But there has to be something said for impromptu, emblazered performances. Is 'emblazered' even a word? I don't know, but if it was, its definition would be 'The Dalton Academy Warblers.' You'd laugh at that too, and start making a little dictionary of the words we make up or that have a special meaning to us and only us. Like 'layers', for example ;)

This is actually quite cathartic – even when you're not here, you're still incredible for me. Maybe this will be the way for me to sort myself out; writing down all the weird, complicated thoughts and feelings swirling through me helps me make a bit more sense of them. So I'll get there. Eventually. And it will be as if we never said goodbye, because, like I said, I'm never saying goodbye to you. Which I sort of did, but I didn't really mean it. Well, I did, but I was hurt and mad and confused – it wasn't that I ever stopped loving you. And I apologize for all the sappy quoting – does it not prove that each moment we spent together is deeply engraved in my memory? Or is it more that I overthink and obsess about us? But either way, I hope it proves that I care so, so much about you, Blaine.

And I think that will conclude my little rant for tonight. I need to mentally prepare myself to take Rachel shopping tomorrow – she might have had a long overdue makeover, but it doesn't mean it's easy to tear her away from those God-awful animal sweaters!

All my love,

Kurt xxx

_Message deleted at 22:22 on 10/8/12_


	3. Chapter 3

Hey Blaine,

I guess this is email numéro trois of 'Emails Kurt is Too Chicken to Send'. Ah well, it's better than paying for therapy or listening to Rachel trying to draw parallels between us and her trainwreck of a relationship with Finn. Believe me, she's made sure I know every single Finn-related feeling she's ever had, and considering it's Miss Rachel Berry, resident drama queen, you can imagine just how much I have to sit through!

Despite my moaning, I do hope they work it out soon, because at the moment it makes things quite awkward for me – loving Finn as a brother and Rachel as a best friend. I did wonder if us getting back together (or at the very least be on speaking terms) might persuade them to sort themselves out a bit. But we both (well, not really you) know I'm too scared to reach out to you. And on top of Finn-drama, she keeps asking my opinions on Brody, and that, once again, puts me right back in that sticky conflict of loyalties.

But I've babbled on enough about Rachel's drama (actually, the more I think about it, the more I realise that I haven't really escaped high school at all – there's still just as much chaos here! But less slushies :P). Speaking of which, I hope you haven't had any slushy facials lately – I know it's even harder to wash out once it gets mixed in with your hair gel ;)

When I was out shopping with Rachel yesterday, I saw your brand of hair gel and had to go and stare at the fragrance ads to stop myself from crying. And then, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted our hairspray (I use a different brand now so I don't think of you when I use it), and completely lost my cool. It was quite embarrassing; I just sat on the floor and bawled, and eventually a store clerk had to ask me to leave, which, as you can imagine, I didn't take too kindly to.

Strangely enough, it seems like it's just the memory of shared things that sets me off – you left your red and navy scarf here last week, and when I wrapped myself up in it and inhaled your scent, I felt so much calmer and at peace with things. Or maybe it's just your magicalness :)

I have a massive pile of work to do for tomorrow (real life really _is _just like school!) so I better get that done – I suppose I could always just get myself fired and move back to Lima to be with you… No. You told me to move out to New York and live my dreams, so that's what I'm doing. I need to build a stable life so that when you graduate, everything will already be ready for us (yes, I'm following our original plan).

But before you (well, the Blaine in my head) start to worry or feel guilty about pushing me onto a plane, I want you to know how much I love it here – literally the only thing missing is you :*

I seriously need to stop now :P

All my love,

Kurt xxx

_Message deleted at 19:07 on 10/10/12_


End file.
